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Mon, Feb. 13th, 2006, 03:42 am
???...

Didn't see my boyfriend today. Maybe tomorrow? Was kind of expecting to meet a relative...

Hope I see him on Valentine's day. Already got him something. Tired, going to bed.

Sun, Jan. 15th, 2006, 06:05 pm
Short.

I am still here, if anyone cares. I have so much to say, that I'm not going to bother. No one would read it anyway. I have been occasionally blathering away on notepad on my computer. Maybe one of these days, I'll transfer some it over here.

I'll say two things.

One, I seriously injured my right shoulder somehow, over a month ago, and it still hasn't healed yet. It makes using a computer mouse, or keyboard, painful.

Two, I have reached a point for more reasons than I care to list, where I believe that any communication on the internet is mostly a waste of my time. No one gives two fucks what I think, feel, or how I am, so what's the point? I can write a journal on notepad, and I don't have to try and find internet time to do that. I still get online to look stuff up, to ask questions I want answered at various forums, and to check up on people I CARE ABOUT (whether they care about me or not), but otherwise than that, I don't see much point. Maybe I will change my mind at some later date, but right now I feel this is mostly a waste of my time. I will still update once in a while, just to keep the account open, and in case I am wrong, and someone actually does give a shit, but probably not very often, unless someone proves my opinion wrong (which I doubt very much).

Mon, Oct. 24th, 2005, 05:56 am
Nothing much to say for a change. How nice.

Other than potentially going on and on about how lonely I am, and how a certain someone hasn't been around for a while again, there really isn't much for me to bitch about for a change. How nice.

It feels like the calm before the storm. I'm sure there is one coming sooner or later.

The people I am living with seem to be doing ok with the present circumstances, and there hasn't been much stress lately. I am grateful.

Right now, I am mostly concerned with several of my online friends, and frustrated that I can't get online more often. And when I do manage to get online, no one usually seems to be on at the same time.

The only real complaint I have is that the online world seems like such a cold lonely place sometimes. I could go into detail, but I won't bother right now. I'll just say that message boards can be brutal. And I miss my online friends. .

Shocking, an entry less than a chapter long, lol. I must be sick or something. Oh, yeah, that's right, I am. I have my yearly fall cold.

Gah, I feel morbidly calm, not chipper. What's with that smiley?


You fit in with:
Humanism



Your ideals mostly resemble that of a Humanist. Although you do not have a lot of faith, you are devoted to making this world better, in the short time that you have to live. Humanists do not generally believe in an afterlife, and therefore, are committed to making the world a better place for themselves and future generations.


0% scientific.
60% reason-oriented.





Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com


Well, I wouldn't say that I don't believe in an afterlife of sorts, therefore also disagreeing with why I would be trying to make the world a better place, but the rest fits.

Tue, Oct. 4th, 2005, 09:03 pm
Moving- NOT!

Well, I came back from a visit to my family to find out that Raine had decided we were moving. I understood immediately what the reasoning was. She wants her kids back. Now. ASAP. Since grandma, and CSB kept bitching about the condition of the house we live in, Raine decided that moving was in order. However, she just jumped at the first thing to come along, and it WASN'T an improvement. The only floor that was in better condition than this house was the first floor. The bedrooms were smaller, the attic was unfinished and unliveable (it had vents, not windows. Bees in summer, BRRR in winter).

The front door was held shut by a board, and a brick. Sorry, but I am NOT moving into a house that has a disfunctional front door. There were no registers on any of the heating vents, and the basement looked like a root cellar. And the landlord would not allow us to have cats. I was not particularly thrilled with the idea for a variety of obvious reasons.

The best part was that I suggested that since we were moving mainly because of CSB, that one of them come out to look at the place. I told Raine I was NOT playing house hopscotch for the next year, waiting for CSB to finally approve of somewhere we moved. The lady from CSB showed up to see the new house at the same time I first saw it, and told Raine to follow MY judgement on the subject. GREAT. Putting me in a very awkward position. First because Raine hasn't taken my advice in months, second because I might approve of something that CSB would not.

Case in point. Where we live now. I don't think the house we live in is an unsuitable environment for the children. CSB does. So when we got home, I told Raine about my opinion of the new house, and asked her exactly what it was about this one that is so terrible according to CSB. They apparently never clarified it to her. And still haven't. So I suggested that what is actually going on is that CSB is TRYING to make us play house hopscotch. One of the conditions of Raine getting back her kids is that she maintains a residence for 6 months. Since we have lived here more than a year, it made no sense. Until I put two and two together, and made five. I think they WANT us to move every few months.

I brought this up, along with the faults I saw with the new house. There was also the fact that the new landlord wanted us to move in immediately. With no repairs until we paid him $1000, for first month, and security. What if we paid him all that money, and then he didn't repair shit?

Anyway, so I finally convinced her not to move. It took me pointing out that if he didn't fix anything, we would be shit out of luck, and that I was not getting rid of Guenevere under any circumstances, so if he found out I had her, I'd be moving, and they'd be stuck in a house CSB didn't like.

I am distracted, and I'm gonna go now. For those of you who can see it, I just added an entry below this one about a certain someone...

Mon, Sep. 26th, 2005, 01:41 am
Disjointed

I am tired of writing these on my computer, and then merging them into a cohesive whole on here, so here they are, one at a time...

09/15/05
--------
I hate it here. Mikael got money today, and guess where they went? SHOPPING! Of course. Came home without a cent left. Didn't hold onto a cent to take any of the cats to a vet to have them looked over. Much less pay me back anything they owed me, or anyone else. Went out to eat. Didn't think of me, bring me anything home, or even call to tell me I was fending for myself tonight. Didn't buy any toilet paper, naturally. Why should they? If it runs out, I'll go get more because I refuse to live without it.

And then when they get home, they tell me that their marriage counselor thinks that I am the problem here, and they didn't even bother to correct her. Apparently she thinks that I pit them against each other, and make them take sides! Oooookkkkaaaaayyyyy! What the fuck ever. And then Mikael starts pissing and moaning about how he feels like HE is stuck in the middle.

Jesus christ! Middle of what? He doesn't have to mediate anything between me and Raine. He isn't in the middle of anything. He is one of the polar opposites. The last thing I want to hear right now is him feeling sorry for himself.

And he says he thinks Raine and I talk behind his back about him! I am so sick of this stupid bullshit. I spent years mostly supporting Raine because of Mikael's childish behaviors. I spent the last 6 months mostly supporting Mikael because of Raine's excessive behaviors. Do either on of them remember those things? Hell fuckin no! All they remember is the last time I opposed either one of them. They both have severe (C)an't (R)emember (S)hit syndrome.

And Mikael has the nerve to bitch that no one appreciates HIM! No, I NEVER thank him for ANYTHING. I don't buy him non-generic cigarettes at the beginning of every month to show him my appreciation for helping me out every end of the month by buying me GENERIC cigarettes. I'm never unfailingly polite to people here. I don't cook 90% of the meals made at this household. I don't act as a walking encyclopedia/dictionary/legal advisor/marriage counselor/counselor/general doctor/computer technician/veterinarian/village fuckin wise man for either of them. No, not ever. I think unappreciation is the last thing I want to hear either one of them bitching about.

If one word could describe my life, other than ironic, it would be unappreciated. I have NEVER in my life been given any indication of being appreciated by anyone for anything, except by maybe one or two online friends. I wish to god that I didn't have some overpowering urge to be a nice guy. I wish to god that I didn't care about anything but myself anymore.

So now I am in a piss poor mood again.

I am so sick of life. I would seriously like to kill myself. My one friend Tina, says that she thinks that is stupid. Why? Not from my perspective it isn't. Why should I wait around for the rest of my miserable, lonely life, when I could start the next one right now? Because someone would miss me. Awww. So what? People lose contact all the time, and it doesn't change their lives. They just keep going, living their meaningless existences, whether they see each other or not. My family sees me once or twice a year, and their lives don't stop for the rest of that year. Because it would make people sad. So the fuck what? So it is preferable for me to continue to exist in sadness, pain and misery, so that others don't have to deal with the pain of losing me? Yeah, that speaks of who's pain comes first doesn't it? Truly caring about someone should mean that their suffering is as important as your own. One of the reasons, I am still alive. Not that anyone else seems to give two shits about how I feel, so I am really not sure why I am returning a favor not given in the first place. Because tomorrow might be a better day. Yeah right. After all of this time I have been alive telling myself that, I have yet to see it happen. I thought it did, once (Nick). And we all know where that ended up, don't we?

Someone give me one good fucking logical, rational reason why I shouldn't die. Oh yeah, that's right. To take care of my cat. How fulfilling. If she dies, I swear I'm going right after her. Buh bye. Fates, if you fuck with me on this, and take her away, I swear to you on all that is holy, that I will track you down in the afterlife, and take you on! I swear it! (And probably be obliterated).


Kids
----
09/22/05
--------
Raine and all went to court for the custody hearing. I don't feel like describing this at all right now. Long story short, kids are gone. Grandparents and Children's services won. Raine's lawyer said they could win the case, but CSB and grandma took Raine aside, and badgered, threatened and manipulated her into not fighting. Thankfully Mikeal and Raine seem to be dealing with it fairly well. Either that or it hasn't sunken in yet.


09/25/05
--------
Went to see my family this weekend. No major issues this time. Drama free life for two whole days. A new world's record!

We went to Niagara falls (again), and I saw a gay canadian couple (they were so hot!). It reminded me (again) that I have been to Niagara falls dozens of times in my life, and not once has it been with an S/O. So I spent the rest of the visit depressed.

I want so much to love, and be loved. I want to have someone to hold. To care about. To take care of. To give things to. To share with. To be with. To hang with. To have sex with. To talk to. To go places with. To do things with. To celebrate holidays with. To cook for.

Someone who shares my interests. Someone who likes to read, or watch movies. Play video games with. Walk in the park with. Play hackeysack with. Someone who likes most of the music I like. Someone who can understand, and relate to me. Someone to lift me up, and be lifted up by me. Someone to restore my faith in humanity, and beyond.

Why is this an impossible dream? Why must I be alone? Why must humankind continuously fail me? If I can give all of myself to someone else, why can't anyone else do the same for me? Why must I give everything I have to everyone else, and get nothing in return?

So I have stopped. I have begun to train myself to be selfish, and hold back. I have begun to go against my grain. And not being true to myself is just as bad as being true to myself in terms of the psychological damage it does to me. Either way, I die a little every day. Either due to others, or because I am killing myself spiritually.

I can't stand living for the most part. Every day hurts. Every day is mainly sadness, loneliness, and pain. Or madness, and chaos, depending on circumstances. If the fucking pain, loneliness, sadness, madness, and chaos would go away, I don't think I would mind being alive. But it just won't. Even when I am stoned, or on psychiatric medications, it still lurks in the background. I just care a little less about it. But it is still there.

I want to die, but I won't kill myself, even though I could quite easily. My body has twice now tried to oblige me, by shutting itself down, but I keep fighting it. I never understood why until now. I can't kill myself, or just let myself die because I won't give up. That's why I don't die. I won't quit. I won't let THEM win. Whoever THEM is. All the rotten selfish nastiness of the human race. I refuse to let the "bad guys" win.

I finally figured it out. Too bad it is less of a personal choice, and more of a subconscious determination.


09/26/05
--------
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I am partially an empath or something. Now not only do I have to deal with my own pain, I have to deal with Raine's. I can feel what she is feeling to some degree. I can feel her loneliness, and separation misery. Their children are not my children, but I feel their loss anyway, even though I purposely tried to detach myself from them for the last 6 months in the expectations that this would happen.

Somehow, I just knew. Subconscious understandings of the people involved? Some 6th sense? Whatever, somehow I expected it. So I tried to distance myself. But I still feel Raine's pain to some degree. Now I have mine, and her's too.

I don't know if she "felt" my pain, or not over the last year. I know she was sympathetic, and never once told me to just get over it. Now I find myself in her circumstances. Now I find that I am the one who doesn't know what to say to make it all better. Because there isn't anything to say that will. Caring sucks.

Sat, Sep. 3rd, 2005, 05:25 am
Won't you be, my neighbor?

OMFG, if I don't write about this now, I will go insane. Raine wanted on her computer though, and it IS her's and she wasn't on it all day so I kinda felt obliged... Oh well, I will write it in notepad, and then transfer it over later when I can. Whether it becomes public or private is still open to debate at this point...

Sigh, a pizza came and took me away from writing this, so now I lost my train of thought. Oh well, guess I'll have to Reconstruct what I was going to write, rather than write it fresh. Sigh.

Three or four major/minor things lately. I'll write about the most recent first (and apparently mix in a few other details).

Some of you who may read this may have seen me mention an abusive neighbor down the street before. Well now I will be more specific for reasons that will follow. She is to the best of my knowledge a crack whore. Literally. She is also a drunk. She abuses her children, both physically and mentally. She allows her "boyfriend" to beat the children. She seems to have some sort of major vendetta against Raine (which as far as I can tell is entirely ungrounded). While I have had differences with Raine, this is not something that I agree with at all. She has also been a part of the regular calls to the children's services bureau against this household, reporting pure bullshit to fuck with us, and as some of you would know, I am not biased enough in this situation to make that claim without reason. This woman is what I generally consider a waste of oxygen, and a blight on the human race. I would consider her worse than Tammy if I had the miserable misfortune to live with her. I consider her worse than the grandparents I have mentioned before. She is a horrible BITCH with no redeeming qualities that I can see. Everyone in the neighborhood is either afraid of her, or smokes crack with her. So...

Since I moved in here a year ago, this woman seems to go out of her way to pick fights with Raine every chance she gets. Especially when she is drunk (which is a lot). Her children are juvenile delinquents who steal, lie, and so forth thanks to her WONDERFUL parenting skills. Last year I felt sorry for her one boy, and he occasionally came over here to visit us. This changed due to his mother's instability and growing vendetta with Raine for whatever reasons. This year he came back around during this summer, and stole things from us when we weren't looking, and generally just caused trouble. Neither I nor the husband here wanted him to be here. There is a certain point when sympathy can be pushed to breaking, and it was crossed. Raine continued to allow him in, in spite of our objections.

One night maybe a month ago, he came here with about $250. We asked him what a kid his age was doing with that much money, and he told us that it was his mother's birthday, and it was to get her something. (Don't ask me where my brain was, I haven't got a clue). He asked Raine to buy him cigarettes (for his mother). I told her "bad idea". She was out of them herself, and was quite willing to go get him some if it meant she would also be getting them. She never listens. So she went and got him some cigarettes and cigars, and he went home. Came back about 20 minutes later with a bloody nose which he said his "father" (this woman's latest boyfriend) gave him. Raine allowed him to spend the night here, again against both my and Mikeal's preferences. It turns out that the money he had was his mother's stolen rent money, and she called the police, and told them that Raine had gotten her son cigarettes (true), had gotten him stoned (false, he told us he got stoned with his cousin), that she had gotten him drunk (false he drank his mother's alcohol before even entering our house), and that Raine was holding onto $180 dollars of stolen money for him (false). Naturally the kid isn't going to rat out his cousin on any of these things. Raine's case for CSB went to court, and surprise surprise, now it is a custody case instead of a plea to keep the case open.

Yes Raine was an absolute idiot for letting the kid in in the first place, let alone buying him cigarettes, but this goes far beyond that. Several people have made complaints against this neighbor both for her abusive behavior towards her children, and for her picking fights with other people in the neighborhood. She even hit a neighborhood girl (minor) once. I don't mean slapped or spanked either. She locks her boys out of the house in rain or snow, and tells them "Fuck you, you don't live here anymore, go live with Raine", and then calls the police when Raine lets them in. Neither the police, nor CSB ever do anything about this woman. I am more than slightly suspicious regarding who she might be related to or something at this point.

Anyway, tonight was the latest in a string of abusive behavior from this woman. The next door neighbor boy is in a garage band. Our garage. The police have been called for "noise pollution" before, and we were told that they are allowed to practice until 9 P.M. Today this neighborhood bitch, and one of her crack buddies (a man) came over here at 8 P.M. and mother fucked the neighbor boy, and his teen friends for their band practice. Raine defended them. The bitch started mother fucking Raine, came onto our property, and essentially chased all of the boys in the band away, and all of us into our house. Then she continued to shout obscenities and challenges to Raine like "Bitch! Fuck you, come down here so I can kick the shit out of you, you pussy!" Raine called the police. I was about to myself, and actually picked up the phone when Raine was already talking to them because I was unaware that she had already called. They came, and did nothing. The neighbor across the street (another crack buddy of this bitch) lied and said that she had been on her porch all night, and that nothing happened, and that Raine was making it all up. The neighbor boy was at home, and his mother wouldn't let him come out to talk to the police because they live right next door to the bitch from hell. Like I said, everyone in this neighborhood is either afraid of her or smokes crack with her. The best part is that after the police left, a gang of neighbors got together on her porch TO BITCH ABOUT US! And how much they hate the next door neighbor boy using our garage for his band. There were even mutters of burning our garage down. Puh-lease. I thought the stupid bullshit about garage bands practicing in a neighborhood AT DAYTIME HOURS was dead and gone a decade ago.

What is fucking wrong with this world? Yes Raine has issues. Yes there are better parents. There are also much worse parents and people in the world. One lives two houses down from us, and gets away with it, while we get harassed by both her, and the CSB department. I really do think she is related to someone in some way that gives her some form of immunity. I can't explain it any other way I can think of. Maybe she fucks the mayor or something, I don't know...

I realize this is totally unlike me, and not at all karmic, but this still pisses me off enough that I would actually like to request those I know who are involved in the metaphysical to send negative energies at this bitch, if I can provide them with a focus, and it isn't against their belief systems.

There was other stuff, but I am exhausted, and need sleep so I'll add that later whenever I can.

Wed, Aug. 31st, 2005, 04:48 am
Katrina...

I have plenty to say, but I'm not going to. I'm sure this is in no way a unique post at this point, but anyway...

To the survivors of Hurricane Katrina, my prayers go with you. Consider my lack of a personal entry a moment of silence for those who didn't survive it. New Orleans... My god...

Fri, Aug. 26th, 2005, 03:17 am
Whee

Well here's another update so no one thinks I died (not that more than a few people would even notice).

Well the 19th was my birthday, and it was pretty fucking lame. I was not looking forward to it anyway. I can just feel the time slipping through my fingers. Especially in light of the fact that I went to a gay bar where they thought I was too old for them. At 26! How am I ever going to find someone at this rate? I hate this little shithole town. I wish I could move somewhere more cosmopolitan.

Anyway, yeah, my birthday was just one of those days where everything seems to be off a little. Was taken shopping for stuff that amazingly wasn't there when they were things that should regularly be restocked, went and did things other people wanted to do, ate food someone else wanted, got ignored by some of my relatives who seemed about as interested in it being my birthday as I was. And the best parts, when they brought out my cake, the ceiling fan blew out all my candles as they were singing to me. The when I got home, the people I am living with were arguing. Fun day. Whee. Thanks to those few who offered me birthday wishes, I can only imagine what it would have been like without them. I have only had one worse birthday, but that one was MUCH worse, so I am grateful that I didn't get a repeat of it. At least on this one I ate, had cigarettes, and people made some sort of effort.

Anyway... I can't stand the insanity surrounding my life. So much chaos. I would not feel so indignant about it if it were chaos of my own making, but it just seems to be some sort of left-over bad karma from my last hundred or so incarnations or something. I make wise choices, stay out of trouble, pay my bills, etc, etc. I was a model partner to my ex, I am kind, considerate, and understanding. And life shits on me anyway. I am so sick of it.

The people I live with are having serious issues, and the case with CSB I mentioned in previous entries has now gone to court. They are trying to take the children away. And while I don't necessarily think that the people I live with are the fucking Brady's or something, I have heard of and seen far worse parents than they are. It is stupid and unfair. The people down the street get drunk and beat their children, call them assholes, and lock them out of the house. But CSB has repeatedly ignored calls made about them.

Quite honestly I think there is a conspiracy taking place between CSB and the Grandparents. They want a kid, can't have one, are financially just floating, and the husband here has repeatedly told me stories of how they used HIM for his child support when he was younger. As well as forcing him to do menial chores that they NEVER did. He describes his past with them like a cinderella story, and although I am sure there is some exaggeration involved, I don't really doubt it much. I have met the Grandparents, and they are two faced, backstabbing liars. They regularly say derogatory things about Raine behind her back, and trust that I won't say anything because I currently have a policy of non-involvement. They even coached the husband to complain about Raine in court when she wasn't in the room. Their interpersonal issues have no place in the custody case. The day that the family went to court, the grandparents drove, and required favors of the husband in the form of menial labor for the transportation. The one child has reported something I used to jokingly say about the situation. The grandparents really do feed her cake and ice cream. She has stated that she would rather live with Grammy, and that she thinks her Mom is mean. Raine may have issues, but I can say that she is definitely NOT mean to her children. The grandparents are subverting the older daughter by spoiling her. And when the court was over (with a continuance based on lack of the defense lawyer knowing that it was to be a custody case) the grandmother was ANGRY that the custody case was not closed with the child being given into their care. What's all that sound like to you?

I have held the same opinion for years now, but don't make an issue of it, because what is the point? It isn't like anyone has been listening to me anyway. And the last thing I need is manipulative relatives of the people I am living with disliking me. Not that it really matters since I have stopped giving either of my married friends advice for a while now. I have my own issues to deal with, and they were asking me for advice and then either not taking it, or getting angry at my answers, so why bother? Bite me once, and I'll let it pass. Bite me twice, and I'll be damned if I give you a third chance.

I think it is having an effect on my relationships with them. I spend almost all of my time hiding in my room to escape the tension, and to help keep my mouth shut since I have a tendency to speak my mind. For once in my life, I don't want to speak my mind. Being the type of friend that will tell someone something that they need to hear, even if they don't want to hear it doesn't work. I tried, and all it resulted in was hard feelings, and no change. Fuck that. So I hide, and slowly feel myself and them drifting apart, and don't know how to stop it, or even know if I want to anymore. I don't want to lose my longest friends, but I can't take much more of the tension, drama, conspiracies, back-stabbing and secrets. I have a feeling that no matter what happens that things have changed too much for them to ever be the same again. Sigh. I hate change. I hate losing people I care about. My biggest, and pretty much only fear. First Nick, and in all likelihood the rest of my small circle within the next year. Then I will be completely alone. Lovely.

Why does life have to suck so much? I really would love to know what I did in my past lives to have deserved such misery in this one. I have done very little in this life that would require such a magnitude of suffering. For such a long time. I mean come on. A brief 7 of 9 year period of my life that glimmered with hope (and was still filled with stress), against the lonely chaotic misery of the rest of my life? What am I doing, stocking up on good karma for my next incarnation/incarceration?

There was more on my mind, but it escapes me now, so I guess this as good a place to stop as any.

Fri, Jul. 15th, 2005, 05:06 am
Way overdue update....

Too little to say, too much time to say it... Wait, no strike that, reverse it.

A little update, since apparently someone somewhere cares. Not that anyone will see it, since they already checked this page and saw nothing, so they probably won't be back...

Update for November, and the winter. Spring is another whole topic.

November. Went to visit my family. Bad. One sibling was having a crisis of their own that made them rather, umm testy. Some things were said that shouldn't have been on both sides. Not a good visit. Too personal for public details, even in my own journal. Sigh... The ride home was pretty fucked up too, again for reasons too personal to post. Dammit. This is my fucking journal. Why should I have to censor it?

Anyway... Partially resulting from my "Family feud", I spent the entire winter emotionally, and physically hibernating. I did nothing all winter but 420, and play SSX3, and the Sims2. And I created a ton of custom stuff for the Sims2. One of the things I love about the game. Getting to make your own stuff.

Got online here and there to check the then best Sims2 site on the net - Modthesims2.com There have been changes to it lately that I am not sure are good though. It is still the best site on the net for free downloads for sims2 custom content, and tutorials for making custom content. Fuck The sims resource. Although, at one point I would have joined there too, if I had had any way to pay for a membership. Several of the people there turned me off to that site though. Snobby. No offense to the management of the place, or its content, or probably most of its users. Just the ones I met. Anyway... Not that MTS2 is that friendly either. It has its good people, though. I will say I met more friends here on LJ in 6 months, than I did at either sims2 site in 9 months.

So why did I stay away? Needed time to myself. To recuperate emotionally. To watcha-callit, umm avoid? Deny? Subliminate? Fuck it. To pretend that my issues didn't happen. To forget. To distance myself from my pain, instead of relive it with every post. Yes, I know there was some word that would have said all that in one word, but I couldn't think of it. So there.

I have changed some thanks to a variety of things, my situation with my ex mainly, and my present situation. I have begun to stop caring as much about things. Not in a good way, I don't think. I find myself annoyed a lot more than I used to be, by things I should care about. Is that what they call "growing up"? Entering the real world? I am no longer a realist. Now I am more of a cynical pessimist. Thanks to those responsible for my change in outlook (heavy on the sarcasm). I am still who I was underneath the bitter cynicism, but I don't let it out much anymore. Tired of being hurt by people close to me. Or people I open up to. Life throws me enough wrenches all by itself, without people throwing them too.

I almost killed myself several times during the last several months. The same stupid survival instinct that has kept me going all my life, wouldn't let me try it though. That and needing to take care of my child/kitty/whatever has kept me here. I'm not living for me anymore. I'm living for my cat, and the people who want me around for some fucked up reason.

I have much more that has happened lately that might clarify better, but it's late, I'm tired and cranky, and it would take way too much time and detail to post it all now. This is long enough anyway.

To those who wondered where I was, and actually cared:Hi, sorry I was gone. I didn't forget. I never forget. When I have more time, and patience, I'll try to catch up on what has been happening with you for the last 9 months. As well as tell you what has been happening here since march. Whee fun. Spring here has been a nightmare.

Anyway, gonna go for now.

Mon, Nov. 1st, 2004, 04:31 am
Tomorrow comes today

Well here I am. Sorry for the absence to anyone who cares. Sometimes when I get really depressed or otherwise chemically imbalanced I just disappear for a while. I seem to finally have shaken the hold of my goddam cold, but now I am dealing with getting up at midnight every night instead, which is where the stupid lots of sleeping left me. I have mostly gotten it under control, and feel ready to pop back up. So here I am with another update. I was going to write one the other night, but it involved pictures, and I don't have digital versions of them yet, so I guess I will post yesterday's post tomorrow. Sounds like a B sci-fi movie title, lol.

Let's see. What the hell did I write about last time??? Oh yeah, the fire, and the husbands breakdown. Boy has it been a while. I sort of broke down myself, and spent most of my time by myself, loosing myself in the sims2, or reading. I missed my counseling appointments, and I didn't even go see my sister in town much. I don't really know why I do that sometimes, I just do. I always have. I just sort of retreat into myself sometimes. Often it happens when I am physically ill. Like my physical unbalance also cause chemical unbalances as well. Anyway...

Hmmm, well, I only just recently came back out of my shell to play, so not a whole lot of active stuff happened in the last few weeks, but I did get some hopeful leads recently. I called my counselor to tell her that I wanted an appointment a couple of days ago, and she told me that she had found a couple of numbers for gay community in the area. She said that one of them was having a halloween party, and that I had been extended an invitation, so I called the numbers to find out more information. They were very friendly, and seemed quite professional. They seemed interested in me as a person rather than like "ooh, I wanna fuck him". I guess I finally lucked out, although that really remains to be seen.

Anyway, so I called the one number, and it turned out to be the chairman for the organization which is called "Pride center" or something. He was very nice, and told me that yes, I was quite welcome to attend their halloween get together. I said that I would like to attend, but that I had no transportation, and he gave me the number of another board member who lived on my side of town, and told me to call him, and see if he would bring me. Which I did, and he was more than willing to help me out. I haven't been to any sort of function by myself since high school, because I was always with Nick, so I felt awkward, and Raine said she would come with me. So the long and short of it is that we both went, and I met a few people. Most of the people there were off in their own little groups, and there were only maybe 15 people total, but hey, it was better than sitting at home lonely. Only one person showed any real interest in me in terms of dating, and he was VERY interested. I don't really want to date yet though. Just make friends, meet people, and do a lot of the things I missed doing because of having gone from the closet to a committed relationship for the last 9 years. I hope that he will understand that, and not get put off, or disappear. I have already met too many gay men who were ready to jump the gun, jump in the sack, and call it a day. Not that I don't wanna get laid, that much of me is male. I just don't want to commit to anything right now.

So anyway, the guy who drove us there and back, turns out to be a local college professor, and told me that they also have a group at the college that meets every wednesday. Oooh, college guys lol. I also found out that the "pride center" thingy meets every wednesday as well. YAY! Both during bus hours, which is important since I have no car, and is one of the major reasons I have been sitting idle, unable to pursue anything. So if I am lucky, I might actually meet people in my area for friendships, sex, and whatever may follow in time. I have my fingers crossed anyway.

Additionally, I have found out that there is a church in my area that is accepting/tolerant of both homosexuality, and alternative religious beliefs, so I might actually find a religious community too. That is probably too much to hope for though...

Other than that, not much new has happened, and I hope that is the way it stays, expect for the leads I have discovered potentially panning out...

As I have already stated elsewhere, and it now seems more often than I probably should have cause to:
Darknessblade, and Darksidekitty, thank you for being there for me, and I am sorry that I am not there as often as I should be for the both of you. I know you both understand that I have issues of my own, and that my online time is not always guaranteed, but I feel bad that I cannot be there for you as often as I would like to. You are the two people that have made my LJ experience the most rewarding, and I care about you both very much. I feel honored and gratified to have met you both, and although I am not on as frequently, you are both in my thoughts every day. And I wish you both well every day. And if either of you ever need me, drop me an E-mail, a chat message, or call me if possible, and I will try to be there for you if I can. Thank you both for being my friends.
(BTW, Raine, Jen and Mir, you already know how I feel, because I tell you each time I see you. and if I don't do it often enough - I care about, and appreciate all of you.)

I have discovered a song recently that I listen to when I feel lonely, and sometimes it helps. It is one of the most heartfelt, and uplifting songs I have heard in a while. The first few times I heard it, it made me cry - in a good way. Here are the lyrics. I would highly recommend it, and dedicate it to any and all of my friends when they feel lonely or forgotten.

"(This Is A) Song For The Lonely" - Cher

When you're standing on the edge of nowhere
There's only one way up
So your heart's got to go there
Through the darkest nights
See the light shine bright
When hero's fall, in love or war
They live forever

This is a song - for the lonely
Can you hear me tonight
For the broken hearted, battle scarred
I'll be by your side
And this is a song - for the lonely
When your dreams won't come true
Can you hear this prayer
'Coz someone's there for you

We'll love don't need a reason
She can pick you up
Or leave you bleeding
I've seen a strong man cry
I know the reason why
We all forgive, we all forget
We just keep believing

This is a song - for the lonely
Can you hear me tonight
For the broken hearted, battle scarred
I'll be by your side
And this is a song - for the lonely
When your dreams won't come true
Can you hear this prayer
'Coz someone's there for you

Don't give up
So let it find you
Wherever you may go
I'm right beside you
You don't have to look no more
You don't have to look no more
oh no

Cause this is a song - for the lonely
Can you hear me tonight
For the broken hearted, battle scarred
I'll be by your side
And this is a song - for the lonely
When your dreams won't come true
Can you hear this prayer
'Coz there's someone there for you

It's gonna be alright
It's gonna be alright
It's gonna be alright

This is a song
A song for the lonely
And that's not you only
Through the darkest nights
You're gonna see the light

Love don't need a reason
Just to leave you bleeding

Can you hear this prayer
Someone's there

This is a song - for the lonely
Can you hear me tonight
For the broken hearted, battle scarred
I'll be by your side
And this is a song
for the lonely

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