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Sat, Apr. 29th, 2006, 03:53 am
I hate love.

(From my myspace blog) DJ Mystik - Slow it down
Current mood: Rejected, sad and lonely
Category: Romance and Relationships

Well I have been avoiding my page directly for a week or so now. My little shrine to love and pain... No, any morbid people who wondered if I offed myself, I didn't. Not yet anyway. I got contact a week or so ago for whatever good it may do me...

And yes, my life is still lonely, and painful. I have not sung in two weeks. I have not written in two weeks. I have done nothing for two weeks, but listlessy waste away in front of my inbox, wishing that it had messages in it from eligible interested local gay men.

I have met over half a dozen gay guys on here that seem cool, all from out of town. I have met at least three people who would date me, and that I would love to date, but can't for a variety of reasons. All of them are very compatible with me, and have expressed interest. And I can't date any of them because of circumstances... Two live entirely too far away, and one is leaving town for college. CDM, JSJ, M?M.


I feel my pain all over again. I am a fucking moron, but I don't care, and can't help it. I still love him, and check his page maybe once a week to find out how he is doing in as much as it is possible to glean from a myspace page. I wish I didn't still care. When will this be over?

He apparently has been dumped in the last month. It has to have been his GF, because HE dumped ME. I don't know how to read what I found. I know how I would like to read it, and I also know how I realistically read it. He also regrets a lot of things in his life, and says that he cheated on a BF/GF "once"? Do I not even count? Or do I? It also asks if he would ever do that again, and he says no, that he already made that mistake "once"? I don't understand. Since it is phrased that way it makes me wonder whether it applies to me, or if I am not even worth thinking about...

And I know what I wish and don't dare to hope, and the pain of which has me in tears again. And I know what I think realistically. I think all of it refers to his GF, and I don't even count. And I know I wish I did. This still hurts me so much, and I still miss him so much. And I still love him so much. And I know he doesn't even think about me. And I wish he did SO MUCH!

All I can say is that if he was dumped and got hurt, then at least I know that now he knows how it feels. At least he regrets hurting someone. For all the fucking good it does me. I'm still alone, I still hurt, and I still love him. I'm such a fucking fool. I could almost forgive him, if he came back to me and really had changed. I HATE LOVE!!!!!

But all I can think about is wishing that he regretted what he did to me. That there was some chance in hell... Why did life do this to me? Why can't he just own up, and come to see me to say he's sorry, and yes or no? I would forgive him - once - although he would have to rewin my trust and my heart. This song has been running through my head all day today. It is the one playing in the background.

It's not too late
To turn around
We can be free
If you know how

We run too fast
We rush too hard
It's time to slow it down
Slow it down

We want too much
We lose the touch
It's time to slow it down
Slow it down

As if he'd even read this... Like he even cares. Like anyone does. Like life cares.

Wed, May. 3rd, 2006 03:01 pm (UTC)
jadisonica: Life does not suck

btw your life does not suck, what you do with your life makes it suck. I know you want to be in a relationship with someone, but sometimes life has to be more than about someone else. you base your life totaly on the need to have someone else in it. There is SO MUCH MORE to life than having a relationship. There are so many OTHER things to do in life. So many other fulfilling things in life that you could do. Letting life slip by you, as you wallow in grief over past relationships wont bring them back, wont change the past. What you need to do is try and get beyound the greif and try to just remember the good time that you spent with them. look at the relationship for what it was and learn what you can, so that the next one works out better. Amputated limbs still hurt, but the person who lost them still get on with their lives. You cant allow yourslef to be consumed by this need to be in a relationship. Your life could be so much more than the pursuit of someone to hold. Why dont you try finnishing some of the projects that you have started? Finnish that book, or video game. Go back to college if you can. You would be more likely to find someone worthy to love if you were out in the world living your life, instead of mourning it.

Wed, May. 3rd, 2006 03:05 pm (UTC)
jadisonica: Re: Life does not suck

By the way Jason was a selfish little shit. I hope he gets married and then she cheats on him and breaks his heart. If he ever comes crawling back you should let him grovel and then turn him down.

Thu, Aug. 2nd, 2007 04:23 pm (UTC)

post a new post, dam it!!!!!!!!!!1111