Well, not much has changed since last year, I'm still being a recluse, and it's still working for me for the most part. It is still a little lonely, and I still think the lack of stress and drama outweighs that. I do miss sex though. And it would be nice if I could find a person to occasionally share things with I suppose.
This has given me time to clarify in my mind what it is I really want though. I don't want someone to complete me. I am complete on my own. A whole person, not half of one looking for the other half. If I were to find someone, I'd want someone who wanted to share my life, not be my life. Maybe it's selfish, but I've come to realize I like me time. I don't want a boyfriend that would cling to me 24/7. I'd prefer someone who is also a whole person, who just happens to be passing through my life, and is occasionally doing the same things I am. My last counsellor would call that healthy. I agree. Of course it's moot, as I don't see myself meeting anyone complete, or even clingy anytime in the near future. And I'm more or less o.k. with that.
I do miss the friends I've made online over the years, and then let drift away. It's of course my own fault for neglecting them. I do wish I knew how they were though. I am extremely grateful to most of them. They got me through some very tough spots in my life. Some even in spite of their own life crises, still had time for me. I suppose since they have all moved on, none of them will ever know how much I appreciated them. Nevertheless, I'd like to thank them whether they will see it or not.
To the following: Kat, Courtney, Danny, Evo, Rika, Walkingnorth, Jeffrey, Lancifer.
All of you meant a great deal to me when I knew you (and still mean something to me), and in many cases helped me to keep going when I didn't think I could. I am sorry I didn't have the energy to expend the effort needed to continue our friendships, just know that I still remember you, and still think of you, and hope you are all doing well. You all have my sincerest thanks for helping a very troubled and hurt person through the worst part of his life. If any of you would like to say hi, I'd be thrilled to hear from you.
I'd also like to say thank you to my sister Jadis (you are my best friend), and WolfNZ Tigerpaw (my best long distance friend ever) for being my friends and supporting me.
It has been and continues to be an honor to know you all in whatever capacity.
Sat, Sep. 18th, 2010, 02:01 am
Not that I expect anyone to see this, since I haven't been on here in ages, and many of my friends either lost touch or deleted their accounts but I feel like posting anyway...
It's been a hell of a ride the last 6 or so years, and for the last 2 I have done nothing notable, avoided any social contacts, and dropped out of the dating pool. I must say it's been quite relaxing. Therapeutically so. Unfortunately however, it also means I pretty much lost all my friends. While I am mostly doing well all by myself, I do wonder how they have been. Anyone who knows/knew me knows that I can never stop caring, and never forget about them. It also does get lonely from time to time.
I am on facebook, but no one on there really seems to care that much. Of course I don't madly message anyone regularly either... About the only regular contacts I had other than family were on my AIM account, and someone hijacked it, and deleted my contacts list, grr. I made a new one, but I haven't a clue what half the screennames of my buddys were, since they'd been on my list so long and I'd nicknamed them all. Bleh.
I am considering getting on here occasionally, and seeing what the community here has going for it now, and perhaps bump into an old friend or two if I'm lucky...
Anyways, that's it for now.
That I am an amazing person, and why on earth am I single? >.<
I would say, yes I am still alive. But I'm not. Not really. I suppose I am writing because so much has happened in the last few years that I am tired of retelling it over and over. If I do it this one last time here, I can just stop. If someone really wants to know, I can make them come here and look instead.
I am going to do this differently than before. I am not going to write a daily or weekly or monthly or yearly journal. I am going to start at square one, and tell things that HAVE happened, not things that are. I am going to write the story of my life in general terms, being more specific as I go. I have been told that my story is quite interesting, and I should write a book about my life, so consider this the first draft.
That being said, I don't really feel up to it at the moment, but I am presenting my presence here as an opening to doing so. I have utterly neglected everyone I knew in my alternating bouts with despair and intense relationships. It's been so long at this point, I don't see how I can possibly catch up. I guess that makes me a pretty worthless and neglectful friend. The last few years have made me pretty self-abosrbed and cynical, so I guess no one is missing much anyway.
Hmm I should perhaps do a timeline//chapter listing. Maybe that would help me organize my thoughts for this project.
1) Neglect, and abuse. Nightmares. Evil peers..
2) Popularity at a price.
3) Renting a piece of hell. The homeless.
4) The first, and longest.
5) The bitch from hell.
6) Alone in a group. The young one.
7) Lifesaver. Soulstealer. Deepest blue.
8) The rich and infamous. Secondlife.
9) Stalkers, and Singers.
10) Purple and Silver kittys.
That's all for now.
Sat, Apr. 29th, 2006, 03:53 am
I hate love.
(From my myspace blog) DJ Mystik - Slow it down
Current mood: Rejected, sad and lonely
Category: Romance and Relationships
Well I have been avoiding my page directly for a week or so now. My little shrine to love and pain... No, any morbid people who wondered if I offed myself, I didn't. Not yet anyway. I got contact a week or so ago for whatever good it may do me...
And yes, my life is still lonely, and painful. I have not sung in two weeks. I have not written in two weeks. I have done nothing for two weeks, but listlessy waste away in front of my inbox, wishing that it had messages in it from eligible interested local gay men.
I have met over half a dozen gay guys on here that seem cool, all from out of town. I have met at least three people who would date me, and that I would love to date, but can't for a variety of reasons. All of them are very compatible with me, and have expressed interest. And I can't date any of them because of circumstances... Two live entirely too far away, and one is leaving town for college. CDM, JSJ, M?M.
I feel my pain all over again. I am a fucking moron, but I don't care, and can't help it. I still love him, and check his page maybe once a week to find out how he is doing in as much as it is possible to glean from a myspace page. I wish I didn't still care. When will this be over?
He apparently has been dumped in the last month. It has to have been his GF, because HE dumped ME. I don't know how to read what I found. I know how I would like to read it, and I also know how I realistically read it. He also regrets a lot of things in his life, and says that he cheated on a BF/GF "once"? Do I not even count? Or do I? It also asks if he would ever do that again, and he says no, that he already made that mistake "once"? I don't understand. Since it is phrased that way it makes me wonder whether it applies to me, or if I am not even worth thinking about...
And I know what I wish and don't dare to hope, and the pain of which has me in tears again. And I know what I think realistically. I think all of it refers to his GF, and I don't even count. And I know I wish I did. This still hurts me so much, and I still miss him so much. And I still love him so much. And I know he doesn't even think about me. And I wish he did SO MUCH!
All I can say is that if he was dumped and got hurt, then at least I know that now he knows how it feels. At least he regrets hurting someone. For all the fucking good it does me. I'm still alone, I still hurt, and I still love him. I'm such a fucking fool. I could almost forgive him, if he came back to me and really had changed. I HATE LOVE!!!!!
But all I can think about is wishing that he regretted what he did to me. That there was some chance in hell... Why did life do this to me? Why can't he just own up, and come to see me to say he's sorry, and yes or no? I would forgive him - once - although he would have to rewin my trust and my heart. This song has been running through my head all day today. It is the one playing in the background.
It's not too late
To turn around
We can be free
If you know how
We run too fast
We rush too hard
It's time to slow it down
Slow it down
We want too much
We lose the touch
It's time to slow it down
Slow it down
As if he'd even read this... Like he even cares. Like anyone does. Like life cares.
Tue, Apr. 11th, 2006, 10:04 pm
I am dead
I am lost beyond words now. He has a new profile that says he is single, looking for a long-term relationship, and that he is GAY, not BI anymore.
All of the emotional scabs I had built were ripped violently off in the moment I saw his new profile. I still have not had any form of closure. No word from him or his family at all. No why. No sorry, I want to move on. Nothing at all. No explantion of if he is single, and GAY, and looking, why he lied to, cheated on, and dumped me.
His interests are ironic, because I met and exceeded what he is looking for... I NEED to know why.
I am going to wait a week to see if I hear from him, or his family, and if I do not, my Myspace page will be a reminder of me. I cannot deal with this pain any longer. I need it to end, either by closure, by apologetic future potential, or death, but I cannot take it anymore.
If you or your mother read this, my life is depending on your contacting me. Not fair? Neither is what you are doing to me. I love(d) you.
If you read this, welcome to my real journal. I am done hiding my feelings from the world again. I am only going to be vague or private if necessary from this point out...
It is strange, but it seems to me like the moment you have a serious emotional issue in your life, suddenly most of the people that you want to support you through it seem scarce. Either because they are avoiding you for whatever reason (don't know what to say, don't really care, can't deal with it), or life mysteriously suddenly makes them busy. Why is that? I truly do not understand.
Anyway, on to the dreary topic of my ongoing emotional pain.
More dreams, dreams for the last week and a half. Always about my last BF rubbing that in my face in one way or another. I am no longer in contact with them, and I am beginning to think I am not going to see closure on this. That is going to prolong my misery for a few months I think, and probably leave a scar I wish I could avoid.
I have been thinking, and want to express a viewpoint that may not have crossed people's minds. When my ex of 9 years left me, he left me for a woman. I again had no explanation or closure, but I was at least able to console myself with the fact that he left me for someone who had things I was incapable of providing. Like quite frankly, a rack, and baby making equipment. And I knew it was coming deep down inside for a year before it happened.
What my last BF did to me hurts far worse, because he cheated on me with people who were giving him the same things I could. And it happened within thirty days of his making me the happiest I have ever been in my life. From what I understand, I am out of sight, out of mind. Must be nice to have a switch like that built in. Where's mine? And I still would take him back if he made it up to me, and changed, and I still don't expect that will ever happen.
And no, I am not going to just get over it. It may have only been a year, but as one of my friends helped me put it, the relationship potential was far higher than I had with my ex, so the pain of the fall is far greater. I loved, and made myself vulnerable to my last BF as much in 9 months as it took my ex 3 years to attain. Where is my damn emotional switch? I want to turn it off.
On a similar note, I am also let down by the online world. Am I the only one who actually reads, and checks someone elses page for updates on myspace? Or just the only one who comments? And why do people read a message or e-mail you sent, and not respond to it when they are your friends? Or walk off in the middle of an IM and not get back on for hours? And why are community forums so harsh? I think a lot of people disassociate the text they read online from the fact that a living, breathing human being with feelings is the one typing it.
How about just plain out and out, does anybody give a shit?
The end. No more. Hurts too much. Done. No more updates likely. Who cares anyway?
My BF of the last year has lied to and cheated on me, and I hear nothing from his family anymore. I was right to be paranoid, and worried that I was losing him. It was not paranoia, it was gut instinct again, just like it was with Tammy and Nick. I quit. I give up, I die (in some sense at least if not in fact - haven't decided yet). No one will even see this in time to stop me if I decide to anyway...
If I don't, and things turn out how I expect, maybe I will make the whole of the last year public again. If I do decide to die, I will make the whole of the last year public anyway, and add a last entry to explain my POV.
No Darkness_Blade, being angry with someone for being emotionally crushed is not a working solution, but your support was appreciated.
She of many Names, thanks for the support.
SuperBytch, where are you?
Jadisonica, where are you?
Evo, Hi, and bye.
Raine, don't tell me you didn't see this coming.
If I drag myself through this, I may update again someday. And I may stop by from time to time to catch up with all of you if I can bring myself to concentrate, or care about anything at all...
Say what you want to about oh it's not so bad, or there are other people out there, or whatever you like. My ears are filled with the tears I am crying right now.
Not one of you can say you haven't felt the despair I am feeling right now at some point in your lives. If you care enough to want to bother, all of you listed have my number or YIM.
Sun, Feb. 26th, 2006, 03:17 am
Well, I can see everyone else's lives seem to either be uneventful, or too eventful to find time to write about. Mine in the latter case... Way too much to write, and way too little time. I have tons of stuff I wrote in the last week in my personal journal, but it would take way too long, and way too much reading space to post it all now. So anyway...
Got my move all set up (Mon), everything is arranged down to getting my phone turned on (Tues), and getting my own internet (Wens - YAY!). It's still within the same visiting distance of my BF and my sister, so I am quite happy with that. Been packing, and getting stuff ready to go cause I only finally got everything all set up on Friday. I probably won't update again until I have my own internet hooked up. I hope to see my BF next week at my new place, although I think he has a cold, because he was coming down with one last time I saw him, and now I am too, so he is probably sick. Hope he feels better. I know whether I get really sick or not, I sure will be feeling better in some ways anyway. I can finally rid myself of the stress that has been burdening me for the last month, and go back to being laid-back, and easygoing (other than finding something new to complain about, lol). If everything works out ok with this place and my BF, I might actually have to write nothing but positive entries. Boy would that be a nice change. I'd love to go back to being more supportive than needing to ask for support...
No real reason for my music choice, just listening to my favorite band again, lol... A bit anxious about getting this over with, and seeing my BF at my new place when he gets better, but otherwise than that, I think I might actually be regaining my equilibrium.
I hope everyone else is doing well, and hope to hear from everyone soon, in one way or another, about how they are all doing. My thoughts, and prayers are with ALL of you for your various circumstances.
Fri, Feb. 17th, 2006, 12:09 am
Why is it that when Raine actually isn't online by choice rather than because I bugged her to let me on, no one else ever seems to be on either? She's probably in bed for the rest of the night, and everyone I want to talk to seems to be too... Oh well. Guess I'll go play a video game for a while, and go to bed too.
Real entry coming to a journal near you soon...